Ok... I AM CURRENTLY ALMOST DONE WITH LGPE 11. IT SHOULD BE UP TODAY OR TOMORROW!!!!!!!!

OK. Last gernale was a bit out of line. I don't know what got into me. I'm not usually like that. I've never ever imagine saying all that about Ian. My counseling appointment isn't for a few weeks so I'm handling this alot alone.

There are people who are convinced I'm a selfish, hurtful person and lower then scum about what I did to Ian (most of that from me). Why can't people just believe me?! That I'm so whacked over myself I have to force myself not to be a zombie. Readmitting myself into the mental ward makes my mouth water...But Ian was the best thing for me since High school! But no amount of explaining can sound right....as to why I chose Cliff. **sighs** I hurt Ian in the way I swore to myself I'd never do....and many more ways I couldn't imagine! I loved him so much!!!I felt lost. I remember exactly my thoughts and ect...but no one would truly understand... only my mother understood. Out of everyone, she's the only person to understand any of this. Only she understood why I topok Cliff back so quickly...and I...me to...

But nothing I can say can heal wounds or change the past. But I must stop living like I can change the past...so this is what I did for Halloween:
Dressed in the $150 dress he gave me as a "thank you for saving me" gift **frowns** but anyway, I was dancing in the streetlight barefoot in the wind and I had make-up on my face to look dead, so I was being a "dancing ghost countess", but the wind was coming from the East-southeast, around were Ian would be.
I grabbed a handful of dust and I stood there and reached out saying "My Dear, Ian. I know not even the wind will carry this message, but all I can say is, I wish you the true love I denied you so cruely. I wish you a long and, one day, happy life. I shant not ever forget about you, but I shant not hold on to you, like a wild animal. I shall hold our memories and the gifts you gave me, but as a loved one passes into the next world, may our hearts pass into new lives.And because of my love and 'duties' I promised as a best friend, I'll do the humane thing for both of us and let you go. I pray for you love, life, and happiness" Then I let go of the dirt as it blew in that direction

I was... in character... but subject wise, I've let Ian go. Not to be mentioned in this jounal or my others unless a miracle happens...And he somehow talks to me...whichNOW is next to impossible to imagine

but "friends" changed any chance of that. All I wanted to do was , without any contact with Ian, I just wanted to
quickly get to a max level and leave, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo , people couldn't leave it alone **glares at holly & other "friends"**.

I DID NOT WANT TO BE BACK IN IAN'S LIFE AT ALL! I HAD NOT INTENTION TO SPY OR EVEN HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM! NOT EVEN BE ON AT THE SAME TIME AS HIM!!! I WANTED NOTHING ALL ALL TO DO WITH HIM!!!!!!!I didn't want anything to do with Ian nor him to catch wind of it. but he did and it opened a can of bloody worms that made everything worse.

and worse of all, my rants and out-of-context words were sent to him...I...I'm pissed. I think ANY hope of Ian ever talking to me ever again is 1000% gone! So It seems my hope is gone. I'm going to Belguim in January-March for 4 years. Ian was my besatest friend and I wanted to distance myself from him as far as possible to help him. but nooooooo no one could let me do that could they! I wanted to be on and off. play in the middle of the night when Ian would be asleep and only me on!!!!

so the best thing now is to completely let Ian go...and treat him as if he was someone that "passed". I'll keep all his gifts and pictures/videos, but it will be as if he died. He's now put in the catagory with my dad and my childhood mother...

He can live again if he chooses, but untill he chooses, I do not want ANYTHING to do with him!!!

So yah...
bye Ian...